A Painting as Portal to People and Places of the Past

This post is the ninth in a series-in-progress by company president Megan St. Marie about heirlooms and objects related to her family history that she keeps in her office to inform and inspire her work at Modern Memoirs.


A print of this painting of a white horse once hung in the Vermont farmhouse of Megan St. Marie’s great-grandparents Alfred “Fred” Damian Lambert and Anastasie “Tazzie” Lambert, and now now hangs in her Modern Memoirs office. Read on for more information

Fred Lambert standing in front of his farmhouse in Highgate, Vermont with his Percheron workhorses, Dick (left) and Dan (right), c. 1950

Fred and Tazzy Lambert at their farm in Highgate, Vermont, 1937

Louis Raymond’s 1884 marriage license, listing his occupation as “Farmer”

An ancestry chart prepared by Modern Memoirs Genealogist Liz Sonnenberg for this piece, documenting some of Megan St. Marie’s paternal ancestry, including her 2x-great-grandfather Louis Homer Raymond, who died in 1903


Obituary for Louis Homer Raymond (here referred to as H.L. Raymo) describing his sudden death after a routine appendectomy in 1903 when he was forty years old

A patrilineal line ancestry chart prepared by Genealogist Liz Sonnenberg showing Megan (Lambert) St. Marie’s patrilineal line, going back thirteen generations to her 11x-great-grandfather.

A plaque in L’Église St. Aubin listing the names of people who imigrated from Tourourve au Perche, France to Canada, including Megan St. Marie’s 8x great-grandfather Aubin Lambert dit Champagne

Megan St. Marie standing with her father, Raymond Alfred Lambert, in front of L’Église St. Aubin, April 2023. This is the church in Tourouvre au Perche, France where the first Lambert in their lineage to immigrate to French Canada was baptized in 1632

Ray Lambert standing with a local police officer outside of L’Église St. Aubin in Tourourve au Perche, France, April 2023

Fred Lambert’s barn in Highgate, Vermont, c. 1948. It was destroyed by fire in April 2024

Genealogy enthusiasts don’t have to explain to each other why we find poring over primary documents and family trees so compelling. We love getting lost in rabbit holes of research, and we rejoice in breaking through brick walls, wielding documentation like sledgehammers against uncertainty about our roots. Sharing our findings with others who don’t share our passion requires that we connect the dots between the names and dates and records we discover to present our ancestors in their full humanity, with storytelling and emotion fleshing out the bare bones of fact. Sometimes objects and heirlooms help in this process by tangibly bringing us closer to previous generations. My son and I snuggle under an afghan my grandmother made, and though he never met her, he can imagine her hands at work.

A print of a painting of a white horse that has been in my family for four generations inspires this piece of writing. It came to me from my father, Raymond Alfred Lambert, who grew up in a small farming village on the border of Vermont and Québec. He said it originally belonged to his grandfather, Alfred “Fred” Damian Lambert (1882–1963). Though I never knew this great-grandfather because he died before I was born, my dad has shared many stories about him over the years. Some were about his team of white Percheron workhorses named Dick and Dan. As a child I thought my great-grandpa Lambert had actually hired someone to paint this picture as a tribute to them. I later realized the implausibility of such an act—commissioning a portrait of a workhorse would have been quite an indulgence for a Vermont oat farmer!

At one point my dad said it was likely his grandfather stumbled across the picture at a barn auction and bought it since it reminded him of his horses. I accepted that theory until I hung it in my office at Modern Memoirs and noticed that handwritten on the back are the words “Great-Grandpa Raymond’s horse ‘Alpha.’” In addition to being my dad’s first name, Raymond was the maiden name of Fred Lambert’s wife, my great-grandmother Anastasie “Tazzy” Raymond Lambert (1886–1971). Like Fred, she also died before my birth, and I never heard any stories about her family’s horses. But, her father, Louis Homer Raymond (1863–1903), who would’ve been “Great-Grandpa Raymond” to my dad and his generation, listed his occupation as “Farmer” on his 1884 marriage license, and it’s entirely possible that he owned a Percheron workhorse named Alpha.

I know very little about the life of this more distant ancestor, and the most compelling details I have are not about his farm animals or his work, but about his untimely, and rather gruesome death. Louis’s obituary states that he was at the hospital recovering from an appendectomy when he awoke from a nightmare and leapt out of bed. Apparently, this sudden movement opened the incision from his operation, and he never recovered from the ensuing complications. He died, leaving behind his wife, Delia Pelkey/Pelletier (1864–1935) and their six children. Compounding the tragedy was the fact that Delia was pregnant with their last child, Dorothy Edna Raymond (1903–1977), who was born just a month after Louis’s unexpected passing. He was only forty years old.

Tazzy, the eldest child in the family, was seventeen when her father died, so he wasn’t there a year and a half later when she married Fred Lambert in 1905. The Franco-American community in their area was closeknit, and I wonder if Fred had known his late father-in-law before he died, if they’d talked about horses and farming, if the elder Louis had told young Fred that Percherons were the best workhorses around. I don’t know the answers to these questions; but I do know that Fred ended up with Dick and Dan, Percherons like the one in the painting that was apparently owned by Great-Grandpa Lambert—and, it turns out, like generations of Franco farmers before them.

My dad’s genealogy research stretches back to mid-16th-century France as it traces the Lambert family name to his 10x-great-grandfather, Louis Lambert (not to be confused with the above-mentioned Louis Raymond), who is the earliest entry in the patrilineal line ancestry chart included here. We can’t confirm exactly where Louis Lambert lived in the 1500s, but we do know that his son Jean had a son named Audax Odoard Lambert dit Champagne (my dad’s 8x-great-grandfather), who was born in a small village called Tourouvre. It’s likely that Audax hailed from there, as well. This community is in the region of Perche, from which Percheron horses get their name. Did Fred Lambert know he descended from Percheron families when he brought Percheron horses Dick and Dan to his farmhouse in Vermont? Perhaps. But even if he didn’t, the small connection is thrilling to me as I think of him, knowingly or not, uniting with his ancestral homeland through the animals who helped him farm his land in Vermont to provide for next generations.

In 2023, my father and I travelled to France on a dream-come-true heritage trip, visiting many of the places where our ancestors lived. We spied several Percheron horses as we drove through Perche on our way to Tourouvre, and seeing them made us think of the horse painting that once hung in Fred and Tazzy Lambert’s farmhouse in Vermont. We were on our way to visit L’Église St. Aubin, the church in Tourouvre where the first Lambert in our lineage to immigrate to French Canada was baptized in 1632. He is my dad’s 7x great-grandfather and was the son of Audax, named Aubin Lambert dit Champagne in honor of the patron saint of the church.

Today L’Église St. Aubin is still a place of worship, but it also serves as something of a museum devoted to the Percheron migration to French Canada.[i] There we saw 19th-century stained-glass windows depicting the immigration and also the return of descendants who commissioned the windows.

We also saw a plaque with Aubin’s name inscribed, and Dad and I both lit candles in his honor and in honor of his Parisian wife, Élisabeth Aubert, who immigrated to Canada as “une fille du roi” (king’s daughter) in 1670. (A dramatization of their union was included in the 2017 CBC documentary “The Story of Us”, starting at about minute 21 in this clip.) In the midst of a trip filled with moments that exceeded all of my hopes, it was the very best day for me because I knew it was the most meaningful day for my dad, and on some level we shared this special day not only with each other, but with Aubin and Élisabeth, and with Louis, Fred and Tazzy, too.

When we returned from France, Dad and I wanted to share our experiences with others, and we were delighted when the Franco American Centre at the University of Maine-Orono agreed to host our online presentation entitled Dans les Pas de Nos Ancêtres (In the Steps of Our Ancestors): A Father-Daughter Trip to France.

Since then, we have shared stories and photos at our family reunion, and I’ve written a few brief pieces for the Modern Memoirs newsletter, while wanting to write even more. When I finally found the time to draft this piece, my staff helped me solve the mystery around the origins of Fred and Tazzy’s picture of the white horse. With thanks to Book Designer Nicole Miller, I now know that it is a magazine illustration from circa 1902 entitled Sunday Morning by Austrian artist Carl Kahler. Perhaps Louis Raymond saw this illustration in a magazine, just a year or so before he died, and it reminded him of his horse, so he kept it. Perhaps Tazzy then held onto the picture in memory of her father, displaying it in the home she shared with her husband, Fred, on a farm where they also kept Percheron horses. Though I can only speculate about this part of the story, it’s immensely satisfying to know more about the picture itself, which acts like a portal to people and places of the past in my family history.

***

Postscript

I thought I had said all I wanted to about Kahler’s Sunday Morning painting and how it connects me to my family history, but then I sent a draft of this blog post to my dad so he could review it before I shared it. In response he told me with sadness that the barn Fred Lambert once owned, where he kept the Percheron horses Dick and Dan, was recently destroyed by fire. I felt a bittersweet sense of synchronicity at hearing this news since I started writing this piece on the very day the barn burned, not knowing of the fire’s occurrence. The following is a brief reflection my dad wrote about the loss, which I am honored to share below:

On April 2, 2024 at 4 a.m. the barn on route 78 between Highgate Center and East Highgate, Vermont, formerly part of the farm owned by my grandpa Fred Lambert and grandma Tazzy Lambert, was consumed by a fire of unknown origin.

The barn was a place of many fond memories for me. Grandpa stanchioned his herd of 21 dairy cows in it. A pen was the home of a prized bull available for breeding cows, mostly Jerseys, a few Brown Swiss, and some mixed breeds. Next to the bullpen was a pen for calves and heifers with their promise of much milk to come from them in the future. On the north end were two stalls for Grandpa’s white-coated Percheron workhorses.

In front of the stanchioned cows was an alleyway. Hay stored above in the hayloft would be tossed down one forkful at a time and placed in front of each cow. Corn silage from the silo on the south end of the barn was shoveled before each cow, and grain from the feed store, delivered in burlap bags, added to the hope of an abundance of milk from each cow milked in the early morning and late afternoon. A necessary part of the barn was a long gutter behind the cows to collect waste the cows dropped into it. Shoveling the smelly stuff into a wheelbarrow and wheeling it outside to the manure pile was, to put it bluntly, a stinky job. A large watering trough for the horses and separate water bowls next to each cow provided water from a driven well near the barn.

The old barn is gone, but memories of it remain burned in my mind. For me it was my grandpa’s temple, where he paid homage to the bovines and equines that were such a big part of his life as a farmer steeped in the ways of agriculture he learned as a boy in the late-19th century in northern Vermont.

Dad’s likening of the barn to a temple designates it as holy ground in his heart, on par with the holiness of the church we visited together in Perche. Reverence for places like these is integral to my passion for family history, making this work transcend bare facts or mere nostalgia to achieve a sense of the sacred. With his family history research, my father has given me, and everyone in our family, a tremendous gift. His genealogy website contains over 48,000 names of relatives he has documented, dating back centuries. In addition to gifting us this treasure trove of information about our roots, my dad has passed along many objects dear to him and his family, like the Sunday Morning picture in my office. When I look at it, I think of our ancestors, the places where they lived, and worshiped, and worked, and how their lives allowed me to come to the place I am today, grounded in my own family’s history as I help others publish books about theirs.


[i] We were also delighted to discover that the official Musée de l'émigration française au canada is located just up the street from L’Église St. Aubin, and we paid it a visit after our time at the church.

Megan St. Marie, photo by Jason Lamb Photography

Megan St. Marie is president of Modern Memoirs, Inc.

Young Like Didion

A BLOG POST BY
PUBLISHING INTERN OLIVIA GO

New York City, 2024


On the last day of class, my creative writing professor at Smith College quoted Rilke:

If one feels one could live without writing, then one shouldn’t write at all.

“It’s not worth the agonizing,” he explained. After ten weeks of laboring over our creative pieces, all nine of us students knew exactly the agony he was referring to: the grief of establishing your voice, plagued by constant self-doubt, all to create something that in six months that might make you cringe. Hands clasped, my professor continued in a serious tone, “But I couldn’t live without that agony because without writing, my life would have no real meaning.”

I have thought about his words for a long time, wondering where I find myself within them, if at all. My time at Smith exposed me to many fantastic writers, and I’m not just talking about the likes of Adrienne Rich and Sylvia Plath and George Eliot through my literature classes. I’m talking about Greta M. and Emily H. and Sofia C., whose work I have had the privilege of reading in my creative writing workshops. I feel so lucky and inspired to have encountered all of these writers, but in the past four years, I have also wondered about the impact of my own work and if it is worth saying in my own words what greater writers could better.

I have been writing creatively since I was eleven years old, scribbling short stories in a Lisa Frank notebook, promising myself I would be published by seventeen, and planning to move to New York, where the writers lived. I was voted “most likely to be an author” by my seventh-grade class, which at the time felt like an earnest promise of success. By the time I got to college, I had a complicated relationship with writing. On good days, I would start thinking I was one of the greatest minds of my generation; on bad days, I would spiral into an existential crisis, wondering what on earth I was even trying to do.

At the time of writing this, I am twenty-one, a senior in college, and as graduation approaches I am squinting my eyes, looking out towards what will be the rest of my life. The vision for my future is somehow hazier than the one I had when I was eleven, and my dreams of being a writer living in New York feel foolish. Echoing in my head, I hear the voice of my wise and acclaimed professor tell me on the last day of the last creative writing class I will ever take in undergrad that he could not live without writing, and I no longer know if I could say the same.

* * *

I’ve been going to New York monthly to visit my partner, a recent Mount Holyoke graduate, who now lives in the city. When I am there, we spend most of our days together, holed up in their apartment, ordering Thai food, and rewatching shows we’ve seen so many times we’ve memorized the lines. Those days are only sweet and only wonderful. But on some days, my partner has a job to go to, and then I am left alone to find ways to occupy my time.

One such day, it was particularly beautiful and warm, and I had spent the entire day inside reading and checking my email because I did not know where else to go, or what else to do. Something about going outside by myself in the city where I had always hoped to live as a serious writer made me nervous and tired. But by dinnertime, my hunger outweighed my anxiety, and I walked out the door.

"I ate in silence and let myself imagine living in the city, being in love there, and writing there for real. The image was foggy like a dream."

Outside the apartment, it was dark and humid. Some men were playing acoustic guitar in front of their repair shop, and women and children danced to the music. I wandered around, trying not to look lost until I found a pizzeria around the corner. I bought a slice of pepperoni and a can of beer with a crumpled five-dollar bill. It was a crowded place, and I didn't know where to stand while I waited for my order. I finally took a spot by the corner and turned on my phone, frantically trying to make it look like I was doing something, as if idleness were some sort of crime. It had started to rain while I was waiting, so when my pizza was ready, I took shelter under a tree and awkwardly sat on a planter. The rain dodged the leaves overhead and managed to find my face. I ate in silence and let myself imagine living in the city, being in love there, and writing there for real. The image was foggy like a dream.

Meanwhile, around me I watched a fat rat run in front of a couple taking a nighttime stroll. They both screamed and clutched each other as they crossed to the other side. I laughed and then quickly stood up, panicked, turning around to make sure there weren’t any rats next to me.

At the time, we had been reading Joan Didion’s essay “Goodbye to All That” in my creative writing class. In it she says the city smelled like “lilacs and garbage.” I could smell the garbage sweating from the bags tossed haphazardly on the sidewalks the moment I stepped outside. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, trying to also smell the lilacs. I swore I could smell them then. I swear it now.

 Didion writes:

It is often said that New York is a city for only the very rich and the very poor. It is less often said that New York is also . . . a city for only the very young.

* * *

When we are alone, my partner admits to me that they sometimes regret choosing to live in New York.

“But you love it though,” I remind them, “right?”

“Yeah. . . yeah I do.”

They say it like they are trying it convince themselves of it, and yet I still believe them because I understand that feeling of loving something that doesn’t always love you back. Why do we keep trying? The more appropriate question is how can we not, when we are so young and so hopeful?

* * *

I had felt like I could live in New York only if I was a serious writer. But I’ve come to realize that being a “serious writer” does not mean being widely acclaimed, nor does it mean you know exactly what the future holds for you and your craft. It just means you take writing seriously.

I was standing in the rain among the rats—pizza cold and socks soggy. I thought about how stupid and young and terribly out of place I felt in New York. But it didn’t make me want to leave. It made me want to write. “Goodbye to All That” begins with the line:

It is easy to see the beginning of things and harder to see the end.

Maybe one day I will tire of writing and tire of the city. I don’t know when that day is, but it is not here now.

I walked back to the apartment and did the only thing I could.

I pulled out my notebook.

I wrote about the rain.


Olivia Go is the fall 2023/spring 2024 publishing intern for Modern Memoirs, Inc.

Reflections from Modern Memoirs Client Harold Hirshman

Harold Hirshman published his book entitled Sketches from Memory and More with Modern Memoirs in 2023. This Assisted Memoir is an expanded edition of his first book, Sketches from Memory, published here in 2005. The recent project took just six months from the day he contacted us to the day books arrived on his doorstep. We asked Hirshman to reflect on what the publication process was like for him, and what it has meant to share his books with others.




1. In volume one, you describe “how hard the task of remembering is,” and you say that writing is better than photography at recapturing moments from the past. For you, why is remembering difficult, and how does the process of writing help you recollect?

“…memory is illusive, like quicksilver, and is influenced by present conditions.”

Harold Hirshman: Leaving neuroscience to the side, memory is illusive, like quicksilver, and is influenced by present conditions. Trying to evoke what really happened in the past is a daunting task. I cannot exactly say why writing helps, but once I have a pen in hand or even a recording device, the present fades to memory and the event to be described comes to the fore. The result is more than a picture, since it may contain smells, feelings, and emotion. Nonetheless, the reason I chose “sketches” as part of the title was to capture the incompleteness of the worded picture. The book is not a finished painting.

2. In the first volume, you also say there was a certain period in your life when you first felt “permitted” to write. From whom (or what) did you feel you received permission? Why did you believe you needed to be allowed to tell your stories?

Harold Hirshman: My use of the word “permitted” reflects three separate barriers that needed to be removed before I was comfortable writing. The first barrier was self-consciousness. Why would anyone care about my story? The second barrier was caution. I did not want to consciously hurt anyone I was writing about. The last barrier was mechanical. How could I get on paper what I was thinking and feeling? I was in psychoanalysis when most of the first volume was written. The analytic process of saying what comes to mind was critical to how I formulated these sketches. They were not intended to be didactic lessons from my life. They were intended to be like an analytic session—what came to mind as I tracked the starting idea along whatever wending path my mind took. Talking to my analyst convinced me I could articulate thoughts about the past and the present. He insisted that any writing I wanted him to consider had to be read aloud to him. One session, I was reading a piece about my mother and had to stop because I was crying, and so was he. His response showed me that others could relate to my stories. This then removed the barriers except the last, which I chose to address with a pen and legal pad. Fortunately, I have always had a secretary to make my work accessible to others from the handwritten text.

3. Both books share “sketches” about aspects of your life, such as family, faith, career, and more, but you say that deliberate omissions prevent these vignettes from presenting the complete story of your life. Nevertheless, “…they each pack a potent emotional punch,” according to staff member Emma Solis in her recent blog post. How did you choose which stories to tell and which to cut? What were your goals in writing these books, and how did the “sketch” format help you to achieve them?

“So I would have a memory and try to follow it. But I was always conscious of trying to do no harm.”

Harold Hirshman: The wand chooses the wizard, as J.K. Rowling wrote about Harry’s wand. So I would have a memory and try to follow it. But I was always conscious of trying to do no harm. Consequently, there is little about my first wife, or the courting of my second wife, Lorie, or about my children as they grew up. Given the intent not to be didactic and not to try to create a coherent conscious picture of me, the sketch chose me as the appropriate vehicle. As to my goal in writing the book, in some way I fell in love with what I had written and didn’t want it to molder in a manilla folder to be trashed after my death. I guess vanity played a part.

4. You initially wrote out the stories in your first volume on yellow legal pads, and you dictated the new stories for the second volume. Describe the differences between these processes as means of creating a first draft. Were they equally satisfying modes of storytelling? How did you move from handwritten text to a first typed draft? From recordings to a manuscript?

Harold Hirshman: The first volume was essentially handwritten. Then someone asked me to write about my career, and those law stories became the basis of the second volume. They are a longer narrative, and I caviled at the task of so much writing. My typing is not really adequate to create a story. Since I was used to dictating legal material, dictation was a natural alternative. I tried getting my own dictating machine and a speech-to-text app for my computer. Nothing worked, probably because of technical ineptness. Then—I don’t remember when—I learned I could use the “notes” function on my phone, and that became my standard method. Of course, this was reliant on having someone help to create a draft I could work with, and my secretary, Deb, is great. Comparing the two modes of storytelling? Writing a story is like a craft. Your fingers are connected to the words. This is actually my preferred method, but it then requires being typed and also, I get tired writing. Dictating is quicker and not fatiguing, but it is also less magical.

5. How did you know it was “time” to publish your first volume in 2005? What sparked you to take up the project again in 2023, reprinting the first volume and adding chapters that doubled the page count?

Harold Hirshman: My father died in 2002. Several years earlier, I had given him a tape recorder to capture the memories of his life, which he did and which I had transcribed into a manuscript. After he died, I wanted to preserve his words as well as my experiences in the subsequent year of mourning described in the chapter called “Minyan Madness,” hence the first book. By 2023, all of the copies of my first book were long gone. But when I contacted Ali de Groot at Modern Memoirs, she said that one of their technical wizards could resurrect the first book. I was delighted. I also wanted to publish what I had written since the first book. This time my fear of my papers becoming lost in folders when I am dead was augmented by the realization that once I am retired, I will not necessarily have easy access to my documents on the law firm’s computer system. For these reasons, I wanted to save my writings in book form. The second, expanded book was kind of a birthday present to myself—a present that never would have come to be without the help of Modern Memoirs.


 

Liz Sonnenberg is genealogist for Modern Memoirs.

Reflections from Modern Memoirs Client Tucker H. Byrd

Tucker H. Byrd published his book entitled “No Excuses” Love, Dad with Modern Memoirs in 2023. This collection of daily notes to his young son took just two months from the day we started the project to the day books arrived on his doorstep. We asked Byrd to reflect on what the publication process was like for him, and what it has meant to share his book with others.


1. Your book is a compilation of the 170 inspirational notes—colorfully handwritten on index cards—that you slipped into the backpack of your son every day during his fourth-grade year (2019–2020). What was your intention in giving these notes to your son, and why did you choose that year of his life to do so? How does the phrase you chose for the title, “No Excuses / Love, Dad” serve as a touchstone for the whole collection?

Tucker Byrd: I wish I could say I started with a grandiose plan to write a year’s worth of inspirational notes as a defining statement of love for my son and bind them in a glitzy book from a high-quality publisher. The truth is, I wrote one note to give him affirmation and encouragement as he began fourth grade, a time of personal and physical growth that is often a transitional year into “big” school learning. I wrote one note, then another, then another, and soon I had established a certain love language with my son, which continued for months. Toward the end, it had become such a ritual, that I had to press on, even as COVID descended upon all of us, requiring my son to be homeschooled for the last 6 weeks of the school year. The title, “No Excuses” Love, Dad was born from all this. “No Excuses,” which I wrote on all the notecards, is the West Point motto, and it speaks to taking responsibility, regardless of the commitment required, obstacles faced, or outcome. The phrase “Love, Dad” came from the heart. Together these phrases express the challenges all parents face in shaping a child and teaching them to be accountable, while loving them regardless of their struggles, or even failures.

2. What was your goal in assembling the cards into a book instead of simply filing the loose notes away in a shoebox, or otherwise preserving them? Whom did you intend the readers to be, in addition to your son?

Tucker Byrd: The notes sat in a box for years, and I would pull them out periodically. Each card was written during a particular phase of my son’s life, and to be honest, bringing those memories back years later when I reread the cards would often make me tear up! Finally, I thought it would be nice to pull them all together in a book, which led me to Modern Memoirs. What you created for me far exceeded what I could have imagined. I had not intended to share it with many others, but the responses I got from people who heard about the project touched me. They seemed to derive some special meaning on their own about parenting, growing up, and encouraging one another.

3. What can you say about the design of the book and how it helped you achieve your goals in publishing it?

Tucker Byrd: The design and formatting were A+. Modern Memoirs made this book an art piece that now sits on my law-office table. People are fascinated by the book, which is more than a bit humbling because it started as such a private expression to my son.

4. You first contacted us more than two and a half years before deciding to launch the project. What motivated you to finally publish it when you did, and what compelled you to keep the project moving along so quickly to complete it in just two months?

“I never expected it to touch others, particularly those who are not family members. I wrote what I felt to let my son know that he is not walking his life path alone.”

Tucker Byrd: I did get off to a slow start, but to be honest, it was the reception I got from Modern Memoirs that finally pushed me to act. The staff could have said, “This is ‘cheesy,’” like watching someone else’s home videos; but their words of encouragement, especially from Director of Publishing Ali de Groot, did it for me. Once we began, I knew we were late in the year to get things done in time for the holidays, but Modern Memoirs put the wheels in motion to make this a special holiday gift for my son and family.

5. Can you share a little bit about others’ responses to the book, and especially how your son received it? What do you hope he will get from the book as the years go by and he reaches adulthood?

Tucker Byrd: Many read it and cried, which made me cry. I never expected it to touch others, particularly those who are not family members. I wrote what I felt to let my son know that he is not walking his life path alone. Now 13 and very much a teenager, I don’t think my son can be reasonably expected to think that what his dad said or wrote is cool. He likely will only fully embrace the book years from now, perhaps when he has his own child. Maybe then he will write a sequel about being a parent himself, calling it Becoming a New Parent: What Do You Know? My Dad May Have Been Right All Along!


 

Liz Sonnenberg is genealogist for Modern Memoirs.

“Bro, Put Your Skis On”: Writing Lessons from Woolf (and My Brother) on the Slopes


From far away, I imagine I resembled an inkblot on a sheet of notebook paper, my dejected form silhouetted against the relentless glare of the snowy mountain slope. Paralyzed on the left margin of the “page,” I watched helplessly as other figures slid from top edge to bottom, gliding like droplets of ink that somehow resisted being absorbed into the “paper.” I had all the equipment I needed to continue down the mountain, my skis and poles lying flat on the snow beside me, and I had taken several skiing lessons in the days prior. I could see in my mind’s eye the swooping curves I needed to make in order to descend in a slow and controlled manner, and I visualized those turns again and again, planning, refining, and wishing my thoughts alone would propel me into action. But rather than pushing me to my feet, any courage or willpower I possessed lay slumped within me like a fussy toddler in the arms of a frustrated caregiver, all boneless, passive resistance to my wishes.

“I recognized this feeling—the feeling of knowing exactly what I needed to do and how to do it, while confronting an obstacle, a steel wall, that denied my abilities and desires.”

I recognized this feeling—the feeling of knowing exactly what I needed to do and how to do it, while confronting an obstacle, a steel wall, that denied my abilities and desires. It was a feeling that had crept up in my creative life when I was about to edit my own piece, or when I was beginning to write down a personal experience. In those cases, I often resorted to distracting myself and pushing off my work to another day—anything to avoid looking at the obstacle directly. There on the mountain, though, with the bleak options of either getting over my anxiety or spending the night in the snow, I had to somehow break through the obstacle I faced.

From my position at the top of the mountain, I saw my siblings looking up at me and assumed they were wondering why I hadn’t followed their trail. Instead, I’d been sitting in the snow for probably ten minutes, a chill beginning to creep through my ski-pants bib and jacket. I pulled my phone out to numbly scroll my apps, as if that would help the situation, only to immediately receive a call from my brother.

“Bro, put your skis on,” he said the second I picked up.

I was defeated but didn’t want to admit that to a person who had started flinging himself down intermediate runs on only our second day of skiing. “Just go on,” I said. “I’ll make my way down eventually.”

“Are you stuck?” he asked, and without waiting for my reply he said, “I’m coming to get you,” hanging up before I could object.

Fifteen minutes later, my brother rescued me, calmly encouraging my slow progress down the mountain and never leaving my side. Once we made it to the bottom, he pointed out that I had indeed been able to ski down the slope on my own two feet. Rather than feeling successful, however, I was frustrated that I hadn’t been able to do it without him, and I passed on his offer to go up the mountain again.

Instead, I returned alone to my aunt and uncle’s lodge, where I decided to throw myself onto the couch to read To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf, which one of my professors had recommended to me before I left on a break from college to go skiing with my family. It was a good recommendation. Almost immediately, I fell in love with Woolf’s idiosyncratic style, her focus on the internal world, and the winding alleyways of thought and language down which she sends her readers. Suddenly a passage stopped me with a jolt of recognition:

“She could see it all so clearly, so commandingly, when she looked: it was when she took her brush in hand that the whole thing changed. It was in that moment’s flight between the picture and her canvas that the demons set on her who often brought her to the verge of tears and made this passage from conception to work as dreadful as any down a dark passage for a child.”

These words, of course, reminded me of my creative work, where I sometimes felt a sense of paralysis during “that moment’s flight” from idea to execution. But I also pictured myself on the mountain, mentally tracing turns down the snowy slopes and totally unable to make myself carry them out. Seeing myself sitting in front of a blank screen and then connecting that vision to my defeat on the ski slopes suddenly illuminated the obstacle I hadn’t been willing to examine: my fear of the loss of control.

“I thought of it as like a dance—making choices, and letting go; control, and no-control.”

I wanted to ski because when I had slipped out from under my own anxiety during my lessons, and even when I dejectedly made my way down the slope with my brother next to me, I was exhilarated by the novelty and freedom of gliding down the slope. I loved the view of the looming mountains, the wind on my face, and the alternating feelings of control and loss of control when I pointed my skis downhill and allowed gravity to take me. I thought of it as like a dance—making choices, and letting go; control, and no-control. My first day of ski lessons had taught me that I needed to trust the slip downhill in order to make good, stabilizing turns. During what felt like a freefall into gravity’s force, I shakily counted aloud, “One, two, three—” three seconds for the mountain—and then I threw my weight onto my downhill foot and turned, counting again, “One, two, three—” three seconds directed by me.

Facing a lack of control can be paralyzing, no matter what we are doing. At some point, a writer must give in to the knowledge that their work might not come out exactly as planned or pictured. There is a risk there, as real to some of us as that of a broken bone to a skier. Perhaps this is the foundation of the steel wall of writer’s block that can feel so defeating to many of us. Language is an imperfect means of conveying thoughts and feelings, ideas and memories, but it’s one of the best tools we have, like the skis and boots and poles we use to hurl ourselves down mountains. The product of language leading us where it will, and a writer’s brave effort to carve their own path within it, is writing.

Later on the same afternoon when I read the passage by Woolf, I put my gear back on and trudged out to ride the ski lift. The recognition of a private sentiment, expressed in the beautiful voice of a beloved author, had dislodged some sticky thing in my psyche, letting me face the mountain again. This time, I didn’t fail; I flew.

I haven’t skied since, and I might not ever ski again, but I know I will always be a writer. This necessarily means that I will find myself confronting obstacles again and again, steel walls blocking my writer’s path, or chasms between idea and execution waiting to swallow my intentions whole. I can’t control what my path looks like. My only option is to let my brother’s words, “Bro, put your skis on,” echo in my heart, and trust the fall.


 

Emma Solis is publishing associate for Modern Memoirs.